For the last couple of months, I’ve been mad at God.
There. I said it and didn’t get struck dead. (Is that thunder I just heard? 😉 )
For the last couple of months my daughter, Lizzy, has been dealing with constant ankle pain. Long story short, my wife Sara and I have done everything we know to do both spiritually and medically.
Spiritually, we’ve prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. We’ve commanded every bad or negative thing to go away, and we’ve commanded every good and positive thing to come.
The result: nothing significant. She has good days and she has bad days, but the pain is still there.
Medically, she’s seen a doctor, a specialist, and an athletic trainer. She’s had x-rays and an MRI. She exercises, stretches, and visits the trainer a couple of times a week. All we know is that there’s no damage – only a nerve that is firing off for no noticeable reason.
Lizzy has had to give up all dance. No more Irish. No more ballet. No more modern dance. She’s been struggling in school. Her grades are suffering. She’s discouraged (understatement).
And I’m mad at God.
Where are You at, Jesus? What’s going on here, Jesus? Why are You NOT showing up and bringing healing, Jesus?
And there it is… the “why” question?
Yet in all this, God remained silent. He chose not to answer my ranting, angry questions. And I continued to get madder and madder.
Then finally, God broke His silence last Tuesday night.
As I was in the middle of discussion at the men’s group I help lead, I sensed God asking me a question: “Do you want to know why I haven’t answered the “why” question?”
I paused to make sure I was actually “hearing” from God. He repeated the question, and I responded, “Of course I do.”
I sensed God saying that it was much more important for me to trust Him than for me to know what’s going on.
I didn’t really like that answer, and even sarcastically said, “Thanks a lot God. That really doesn’t do a lot of good for Lizzy’s pain.” [I’m just being real here.]
And then I left it at that.
Then came tonight (Thursday night at our Discover class)…
Tonight during worship, I was just overcome by God. I came face-to-face with my childish, spoiled brat response to God over Lizzy not being healed yet. I felt an enormous sense of just how much God loves Lizzy. (You hear that, kiddo?!?!?). I felt an enormous sense of how much God loves me. And the only response I could make is to repent… to tell God just how sorry I was for not trusting Him and for pulling away from Him in response to Him not healing Lizzy in the way I thought He should.
I still don’t know what God’s up to. And I still don’t know when Lizzy is going to be healed. But I do know that God loves me and that God loves Lizzy. And for now, that’s what I am holding on to.